The America Loves Freedom Act

Suggested model legislation for ALEC:

Nothing is more important than national security. That cannot be argued. Go ahead and try, I'll wait ... I'm not hearing anything. Now that you've granted that premise, let's move on to threats. Threats, of course, are everywhere. Just look out your window. No, don't look out your window, you'll expose yourself. From ISIS to the inner city to our southern border, our way of life is under attack. Plans are already underway to mitigate those offensives.

However, the one vector for which we are sadly unprepared is an alien attack. The kind of alien that comes from space. We don't know what form they or their attack will take. They may be large or small. They may look like insects. Maybe they will be wearing hats. All we know is that they will be vaguely human-shaped, and probably have weirdly colored skin. An attack is coming. It says so in the Bible, you can look it up. Anyone who doubts that fact is an atheist and shouldn't be in this country anyway.

From the relevant research that has come from the labs in Hollywood, it's clear that the only way to overcome an alien attack is with awesome military technology. We need laser cannons, and we need them yesterday. Pew pew pew! We need super-awesome fighter jets and nukes. We need to build a machine to blast the aliens with whatever every-day substance it turns out is toxic to them, like dirt or water or boogers or cash.

Naturally, all this incredibly necessary technology will cost money. Heaps and heaps of it. You can't even imagine. Really, you can't. Leave that to us. Since an alien attack affects everyone equally, we all share equally in the burden of defending our country. That's why we are proposing the America Loves Freedom (ALF) act. Each year, every citizen will be required to do their share by including with their tax return a check for $10,000 representing their share of our national alien defense budget. Nothing could be more fair, since it is the same amount for everyone. Sacrifices will have to be made. Whether it's letting one of your staff go, or mothballing one of your Caribbean vacation homes, you can rest assured that security trumps all, as those assets will be worthless when they're vaporized by the aliens.

Freedom is the most important aspect of this new bill. It's built right into the title. It's so important we considered putting it in there twice. Part of the America Loves Freedom act is that you are free to choose which of the following four defense contractors receives your freedom check: Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, General Dynamics, or Northrop Grumman. You can rest peacefully knowing that you have done your part to protect this great nation (assuming you have a bed). However, our noble defense contractors cannot rest easily given their enormous responsibility. In order to ensure that they are not burdened by excessive regulation or common decency, additional measures will be put in place. Those companies are exempted from all burdensome environmental safeguards, in order to expedite their productivity. There are also some modifications to the tax laws for the companies named above. You should probably skip this part because it's very boring. In order to ensure that the executives feel valued and confident, twice the annual salary of the top five executives at each company can be written off against the corporate tax burden. Told you it was boring.

Those who stubbornly refuse to send in their freedom checks will be thrown in prison, a special kind of prison for those who are in debt to the rest of us. They will also be called names.

Please join me in supporting ALF. Our future depends on you.